Sent Home from School... On The Couch

I have been sick for the past 4 days. By sick - I mean... call a sub... throw together some last minute lesson plans... try to break a 101 degree temperature... try to come back to school and they send you back home - sort of sick. I actually pride myself on working through most illnesses (you can blame that on my father. The man has taken four sick days in his entire teaching career!! Guess I can find other things to try to beat him at. :))

Any teacher will tell you that it is actually much easier to show up to school sick and teach then it is to ever get a sub. However, this week was one where I just had to let go. I knew that my students would receive a higher quality education from someone who could actually recall basic information, like which drawer has the socks in it (for justification, I still struggle with that one now and then with a clear, healthy, non-boiling brain).

Needless to say, I was a mess. During that time, I had a fantastic substitute teacher! Her name is Sherry. Not only did she know the requests that I had and the standards I uphold, she knew my students and their intricacies. Sherry knew the system and to be honest, has been around the block longer than I have been breathing!

Being the control freak that I am (admitting the problem - is it the first or second step... I can never remember...;) I am very nervous to let someone else run my classroom. The hardest of all the days was when I tried to show up for work and they sent me back home. (Apparently you aren't a very good chaperone if you are sleeping with your head out of the window on the bus on your way to the field trip... go figure). I really thought that I could tough it out and work. Instead I was sent back home to rest.

Here is the issue. The equation below explains:

Resting = Immense Challenge for Kaycee

(For you mathgeeks, bear with me, Okay I wouldn't really consider it an equation either.)

I felt like I had enough capabilities to go in there and get the job done. Sure, it wouldn't have been stellar, but it would have worked the way I had planned and there would be no questions since I was the one doing it all. But the kids would have gotten a half-rate lesson and someone could have potentially burnt the room down - I would have been too enthralled with my internal temperature to notice the increasing heat and developing smoke in the room! Given the state I was in, it would have been average, and those kids deserve great!

So I went to my parents house where my mom watched me like a hawk. Mama Bear was sure that I didn't check my email, make phone calls, or do lesson plans. She wouldn't let me get off the couch. For that I am thankful. I will be stronger and healthier sooner than I would have been otherwise. The immediate gratification of "getting work done" (because we all know how little would have really gotten done) would have cost much more in the long term category.

Here's the part where I attempt to get all philosophical and what not:

Major aspects of my life are at the "Rest" stage. While I trust that God has a plan greater then I could conjure up on my own (Ephesians 3:20), I still get fidgety... antsy... restless. Even if I am ill-suited, insert laughter at the poorly used pun, I still want to get off the couch!

As difficult as it is to be still (be on the couch), it will be worth it. Even now, when I cry out to God in frustration - trust me, the people driving along side of me on I-94 can attest to it. - my soul finds rest yet again.

The couch is not a place where I want to stay, but for time being, it is where I am supposed to be. Being still, building up strength, getting ready for the great things ahead of me... even when I can't see them right now.

"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble;

And He knows those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7

Little Lies

It is about this time of year where I get in a rut. The weather is cruddy and the pressure of grading is creeping up with Christmas break, excuse me- Winter Break, too far away to begin a calendar cross off count down. On top of it, my S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and Anxiety really start to kick in to full gear.

Now, I like to think that I am a healthy person (in all realms of this matter) and that much of our thoughts are things we can control. I will tell you as someone who has depression, it is very real and at times, the chemical imbalance that occurs in my brain does not allow me to control my thoughts in a manner in which I would choose. One thing that is not real, however, is the lies that satan weaves into my mind when it is vulnerable.

The worst of these lies are the fleeting thoughts and minuet fibs that creep in without much consideration. The lies grow and one multiplies into two, two into four, and the bacteria-like growth spins out of control. Before I know it, I cannot hear God's voice, because I stopped listening for it weeks ago. But I never notice that I can't hear it, because the lies are so little, that they appear harmless.

It takes a good friend who knows all seasons of Kaycee (S.A.D. season and not) to speak God's truth and wisdom into me. To lovingly and gently call me out. This friends did just that today.

Lie: It's just an extra 15 minutes on the computer. You really aren't wasting that much time.

Truth: I have been entrusted with time to use to further God's kingdom. I am called to be an heir to the thrown (Hebrews 8:17) and to live a full and blessed life. The time I spend mindlessly is lost forever and I am not enjoying the benefits of the great life God has in store for me.

Ephesians 5:15-16Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

Lie: Missing one night of devotionals isn't that big of a deal.

Truth: I am called to be diligently pursuing God. The greatest way to rid falsehood is to cover my heart, mind, and soul with his word which is Truth.

Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Lie:Maybe I shouldn't have given God control. I bet this could have worked this out much better if I had taken over.

Truth: God has greater plans than I ever could fulfill for myself. (Romans 8:28) He has the whole puzzle pieced together, yet I can only see a fraction of the image. I do not understand God's timing. The reason why He has placed me where I am. Or why he has taken away things I held so dearly.

I do know this - God's ways and thoughts are greater than mine and while at this time, it does not make sense, it is not my job to find the answer.

Isaiah 55:8-9 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I must trust that God has something far greater than I could ever obtain myself. Even now, I am moved to tears- filled with hope, resisting temptations to form a callused heart, and trying to meet God where I am at - beautifully broken.

God- Help me to search for your Truth and be on guard for the lies that creep into my mind.

Mad Dash Out to the School Bus

Passing time in middle school = 4 minutes of chaos!

I have a love/hate relationship with the passing time in the hallways. On one hand, the noises they make and the commotion caused is tremendously overwhelming. But there is also a part of me that loves watching their interactions and ease dropping on 12 year-old drama.

After my last hour of the day, I head out to help the kids get to the bus. I looked down the hallway and saw one of the teachers standing with her shoulders shrugged, laughing at a student who was laying on the ground with his classmates pouring out on both sides of him. I was intrigued, so I walked against the current (I honestly felt like a salmon swimming up stream.)

The young man, who I will endearingly call "Flicker" (you can ask me how he got that nickname), was giggling himself. Children who have autism are incredibly factual. There is no grey matter, it is all black and white. This child has autism and I was interested to see what happened from his perspective. When I asked my coworker what happened he screamed:

"I ran into them... and then I bounced off of them.. and fell onto the floor!!!!"

This young man had ran directly into his teachers chest or and then projected it loudly down the hallway, with every sixth grader in the school walking past!!!

Resurrected Blog

"You really need to update your blog!"

My friend reminded me of this while sitting down at one of the restaurants I have wanted to try in my neighborhood. With the hustle and bustle of the start of the school year, I seemed to have lost track of my virtual tell - all (or more appropriately "tell-some"). Most of my writings have been going into my hand written journal these past few months due to their personal nature.

Updates from my life thus far:

September has come and gone, the newness of school is no more, time to get down to business. The kids have great personalities and I love my job! I leave my place every morning thinking how bored I would be if I didn't do what I am do for a living.

New Engage Group - I joined a group that is based off of a specific subject matter, rather than demographic. It will be interesting to see what is to come of this group. I was so greatly blessed with a fantastic meal group last year and the dynamics are very different in this new group. With that said, there are many great insights that God has revealed through this new group and I look forward to seeing what I will learn.

St. Paul - I love living in this city! There are so many new places that I am discovering and taking miniature adventures to see! My heart leaps when I get off of the freeway exit and I stare onto the skyline of downtown St. Paul. Sometimes, when it is cool and crisp and the moon is high overhead, I get into my car, roll down the windows, and drive through the barren streets of the Lower-town business district. I have yet to put into words how I feel God in this place, but I do and it lifts my spirit.

How life looks - As of late, I am wrestling spiritually with a lot of recognizing and accepting God's ordained will of my life. This is not to say that I am unthankful for my present circumstances, but I am coming to realize that what I had anticipated my life to be like at this point, is greatly different than where I currently am. Many areas of my life are much better than I had ever anticipated but the Gift is not wrapped the way I thought it would be.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. - Colossians 3:1-4

Difference a Year Makes

In the scheme of things 365 days seems like nothin'!

Last night as I was laying in bed, wide awake mind you at 11:30 (when I intended to be sleeping by 1o:00) I began thinking about where I was at the very moment last year. I thanked God for his:

provisions

- And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phillipians 4:19)

guidance

- In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:6)

As well as the burdens that he carried for me on days when I had no strength to stand.

- Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:30)

I believe strongly that God brings people into your life for a reason. Sometimes for you, sometimes for them, and sometimes for everyone involved. It is very easy to let these chance exchanges and fleeting relations pass by as coincidence. Last night I had a great reminder of God's progress from an exact year ago.

[Preface - I tried to write this story down in a not-so-copy paste matter and it got lengthy. If you care nothing about slightly awkward conversations/scenarios... close the browser now.]

I was sending a text to some of my friends who were teachers wishing them a good first day. I received a text back from from my friend "Kayla" (who I really thought was Kayla at the time) stating:

"I am not in school anymore but thanks. I have no contacts anymore cuz I got a new phone. Who is this?"

I initially assumed there was a slight miscommunication and that when I replied with my name, the matter would be cleared up.

When I replied "This is Kaycee" and received a "Kaycee Who?" back, I began to question who I was talking to... not for long.

The texter then informed me who HE was and that I had the wrong number. This is the same guy who AN EXACT YEAR AGO, I had met and learned a lot about God's divine plan for my life through him. (Like even if he is "Freakin' perfect"... he is not perfect FOR YOU.) Without going into the nitty gritty details of my dating life I can confirm that this man was not "freakin' perfect - he liked the Yankees. (Should have known right there that it never would have worked out).

Last night I prayed that God would remind me of how far we have come together and he showed me instantly! (Okay, well about 4 minutes or so...) I pray that you may ask of God and experience, God willing, his immediate answer.

Sign of the Times

I got a new phone today and I knew that I had crossed into true adulthood when I could not for the life of me figure out how to type a punctuation into my phone. Goodness, I can barely figure out how to make a call with the new thing. All this "Touch Screen" business is getting me flustered.

Went back into work for Teacher Workshops this week. I am really going to work at setting boundaries for myself in regards to the amount of hours that I am spending working on things. I know that I will be the best teacher for my students when I take time for myself. It is so easy to get caught up in perfecting everything, that rarely anything gets done. It felt odd to be leaving the building at the regular time, but I think I will get used to it :)

(Disclaimer: This portion of my writing is more or less so I have it written down as a reminder when it is about November and I am considering going in from 5:30 am to 6:30 pm, like I did last year.)

After school I came home and with all the extra time I had (okay I don't have much to work on yet...) I listened to a podcast sermon. The man I was listening to is fairly forward and just says it like it is. I love how this guy just lays it on the line. I normally would be turned off to hearing a message from such a speaker, but this guy has lived life and is credible due to his experiences...

I listened to the whole sermon and I really didn't feel like there was that much that pertained to me or my current life circumstances (how selfish of me to think that way- I know). It wasn't until I hit the last 5 minutes of the 5o minute sermon that I heard something...

Acts 17: 26b - 27 ... and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. [Wherever we are, God has a purpose for that placement] God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. [He is not far from each of us because he is with us].

I am by no means a philosophical or theological person, but the part that amazes me about God is that he really does love us enough to give us free will. This verse would not be as powerful if God didn't give us a choice. God is also a God of redeeming love. When I totally screw up his plans for me, he repositions himself to get be back on track to where he had me going. Wherever I am right now is where God wants me to be.

"Effin' Good Cookies"

I have a friend named Megan, we call her "Levs". Every Sunday (or fairly close to it) we talk on the phone. Our last conversation was very deep and heavy. However, in the midst of this rather profound conversation, Levs brought up a past experience that I had me laughing out loud on my doorstep!

In college, our track coach used to host these "intentional hangouts" in the middle of campus. It first started out as Fellowship of Christian Athletes people, and then progressed into anyone who wanted to show Christ's love in a tangible way. We would show up and sit at the gazebo, waiting for people to walk past. We would discuss course work, give directions to restaurants and bars, and offer home-made food to those who stopped by. The last part was my favorite part of the whole thing.

Now I know I should not be prideful in things, and I will pray for forgiveness as soon as I type this, but these cookies I made were freakin' AMAZING! I loved Thursday nights, just because I could make 100+ cookies and then relish the glory as people raved about the ooey-gooey bits of heaven they were consuming. (Goodness... this sounds so terrible but I loved those affirmations!!!)

One chilly fall night, a friendly and greatly intoxicated young man came by to say "hello", which actually means he heard there were free warm cookies and he wanted some. By this point of the year, there were quiet a few students who knew they would be able to get a snack before going downtown on Thursday nights. This young man enjoyed the cookies quiet a bit and was incredibly vocal. After inhaling his first two cookies he turned to me and said. "S@!$, these are some F'ing good cookies. No really, I mean good, so effin' good!!!! .

He continued this for a bit longer, adding a few more profane words. He then went on to ask who we were and what we were doing out on such an "F-ing cold night!". I can't recall exactly what was said or who said it, but I do remember him looking at us a bit dumbfounded, hesitating for a moment, and then complimenting me once again using his usual jargon.

From that night on the cookies had a new name- one that I am sure Betty Crocker would shake her head at in disgust.

Kaycee’s “F*n good cookies”

2.5 c. all-purpose flour

1 tsp. baking soda

¾ c. Blue Bonnet stick, melted and cooled

1.5 c. brown sugar

1 egg

2 tsp. vanilla extract

1 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 350
2. Combine flour and baking soda. Set aside.
3. In a large bowl, combine melted Blue Bonnet and brown sugar. Mix Well. Stir in egg and vanilla extract until well blended. Add dry mixture and stir until just combined. Stir in chocolate chips.
4. For each cookie, drop a heaping tablespoon of dough onto a cookie sheet, leaving about 2.5 inches b/t each. Bake at 350 for 9-11 minutes or until edges harden and centers are still soft.