Humility and the Holidays

This time of the year gets super busy. I could ramble on about all the deadlines and things to complete, but you have a list of your own and reading mine will not be a pressing matter to you. But I would like to take the time to share this with you.

I received a text message from a friend yesterday that said: " Thought of you this a.m. while reading Gal. 6:9 and 2 Thes. 3:13. Have a blessed day and rest in Him. :-)." Frankly I was stressed to the max and felt nauseous from my previous night's socialization and lack of sleep. Looking up those verses was a priority that was going to have to wait in order to get things done.

This morning I had a chance to read into the verses. They read:

Galations 6:9 - "Let us not become weary of doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

2 Thesselanians 3:13 - "And as for you brothers, never tire of doing what is right."

What a combination of conviction and relief to read it. I had an awful past few days getting all sorts of stuff done and had hung out with my friends from work on Thursday night. While I didn't do anything that was considered "wrong", I still was bothered by it. Just went out to dinner and then drinks back home.

After journaling and reading scripture, I was hit with the question of "what is considered right in God's eyes?" I had shared my testimony earlier in the week about how I had a fairly legalistic approach to religion in high school and I think that the really allowed for some questioning and testing to occur.

To be honest, I am really glad that I was stirred and distraught over it, because I could sense the pull from the source of love and freedom I find in my relationship with Jesus Christ. "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ... This is my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. ( John 15:5 and 8)" I was sitting by the vine, but nothing I was doing made it evident that I was receiving the glories riches of the branch.

What is good and what is not good can be very blurred through human justification. In Romans 14, Paul writes about giving an account of oneself to God. (vs. 12) In my own personal faith, I have come to the conclusion that regardless of what it is that I am doing, I need to conduct myself in a way that I can bring Glory to my Father. On Thursday, I didn't slander God, intentionally distort the image of God, use his name in vain (or consciously break any of the other ten commandments), but I also didn't proclaim his goodness!!

I am greatly humbled, but also relieved that regardless of my failures, God's love for me in enduring. In fact, I opened my Bible and and the first portion I turn to is Hosea. A story of a man who whole heartedly pursues the Lord and is called by God to marry a prostitute, just so that we can be reminded of God's persistent pursuit of his habitually fleeting children! How much more failure engulfed, grace ensued scripture can you get!?

I am a sinner, a repeat offender. Yet, I have been purchased for a cost and saved. God gave up his own Son, so I can find my freedom and reassurance in Him. I am eternally grateful.

Good Friday

On my days off, I love to do devotionals for an extended period of time. However, I often find myself reading the Bible as if it was a textbook, rather than fully immersing myself into it's human attributes and emotions. Today was not one of those "cram for a pop quiz" reading sessions.

I started reading from the book of Mark this morning, but felt compelled to turn to Luke instead. Boy Oh Boy, does the Holy Spirit know how to intercede!

Starting point - Luke 22:7. Ending point - Luke 23:56.

I get choked up when I think of the crucifixion, but it usually happens when I have other external factors prompting me. Today, this did not occur... today, I wept. There was no music… no slide shows… no skits... no video clips... no sermon. Just Jesus.

Jesus knows my sufferings because he suffered them as well.

My stomach churned as I read about how Jesus was betrayed. What desperation he felt when asking His Father if there was any other way that he could be spared.

The loneliness and abandonment he felt when his friends went with him to pray and while he was in anguish, they feel asleep on him.

What injustice he must have felt when Pilate, who tried to do the right thing, but let his political and professional endeavors override, allowed Barabbas to go free and not a single person stood up in his defense.

The entire world turned their backs while He saved them.

God, Continue to remind me how you know me. How you love me. How you saved me. Holy Spirit, speak on my behalf in gratitude and adoration when my words cannot adequately give You praise.

Sent Home from School... On The Couch

I have been sick for the past 4 days. By sick - I mean... call a sub... throw together some last minute lesson plans... try to break a 101 degree temperature... try to come back to school and they send you back home - sort of sick. I actually pride myself on working through most illnesses (you can blame that on my father. The man has taken four sick days in his entire teaching career!! Guess I can find other things to try to beat him at. :))

Any teacher will tell you that it is actually much easier to show up to school sick and teach then it is to ever get a sub. However, this week was one where I just had to let go. I knew that my students would receive a higher quality education from someone who could actually recall basic information, like which drawer has the socks in it (for justification, I still struggle with that one now and then with a clear, healthy, non-boiling brain).

Needless to say, I was a mess. During that time, I had a fantastic substitute teacher! Her name is Sherry. Not only did she know the requests that I had and the standards I uphold, she knew my students and their intricacies. Sherry knew the system and to be honest, has been around the block longer than I have been breathing!

Being the control freak that I am (admitting the problem - is it the first or second step... I can never remember...;) I am very nervous to let someone else run my classroom. The hardest of all the days was when I tried to show up for work and they sent me back home. (Apparently you aren't a very good chaperone if you are sleeping with your head out of the window on the bus on your way to the field trip... go figure). I really thought that I could tough it out and work. Instead I was sent back home to rest.

Here is the issue. The equation below explains:

Resting = Immense Challenge for Kaycee

(For you mathgeeks, bear with me, Okay I wouldn't really consider it an equation either.)

I felt like I had enough capabilities to go in there and get the job done. Sure, it wouldn't have been stellar, but it would have worked the way I had planned and there would be no questions since I was the one doing it all. But the kids would have gotten a half-rate lesson and someone could have potentially burnt the room down - I would have been too enthralled with my internal temperature to notice the increasing heat and developing smoke in the room! Given the state I was in, it would have been average, and those kids deserve great!

So I went to my parents house where my mom watched me like a hawk. Mama Bear was sure that I didn't check my email, make phone calls, or do lesson plans. She wouldn't let me get off the couch. For that I am thankful. I will be stronger and healthier sooner than I would have been otherwise. The immediate gratification of "getting work done" (because we all know how little would have really gotten done) would have cost much more in the long term category.

Here's the part where I attempt to get all philosophical and what not:

Major aspects of my life are at the "Rest" stage. While I trust that God has a plan greater then I could conjure up on my own (Ephesians 3:20), I still get fidgety... antsy... restless. Even if I am ill-suited, insert laughter at the poorly used pun, I still want to get off the couch!

As difficult as it is to be still (be on the couch), it will be worth it. Even now, when I cry out to God in frustration - trust me, the people driving along side of me on I-94 can attest to it. - my soul finds rest yet again.

The couch is not a place where I want to stay, but for time being, it is where I am supposed to be. Being still, building up strength, getting ready for the great things ahead of me... even when I can't see them right now.

"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble;

And He knows those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7

Little Lies

It is about this time of year where I get in a rut. The weather is cruddy and the pressure of grading is creeping up with Christmas break, excuse me- Winter Break, too far away to begin a calendar cross off count down. On top of it, my S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and Anxiety really start to kick in to full gear.

Now, I like to think that I am a healthy person (in all realms of this matter) and that much of our thoughts are things we can control. I will tell you as someone who has depression, it is very real and at times, the chemical imbalance that occurs in my brain does not allow me to control my thoughts in a manner in which I would choose. One thing that is not real, however, is the lies that satan weaves into my mind when it is vulnerable.

The worst of these lies are the fleeting thoughts and minuet fibs that creep in without much consideration. The lies grow and one multiplies into two, two into four, and the bacteria-like growth spins out of control. Before I know it, I cannot hear God's voice, because I stopped listening for it weeks ago. But I never notice that I can't hear it, because the lies are so little, that they appear harmless.

It takes a good friend who knows all seasons of Kaycee (S.A.D. season and not) to speak God's truth and wisdom into me. To lovingly and gently call me out. This friends did just that today.

Lie: It's just an extra 15 minutes on the computer. You really aren't wasting that much time.

Truth: I have been entrusted with time to use to further God's kingdom. I am called to be an heir to the thrown (Hebrews 8:17) and to live a full and blessed life. The time I spend mindlessly is lost forever and I am not enjoying the benefits of the great life God has in store for me.

Ephesians 5:15-16Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

Lie: Missing one night of devotionals isn't that big of a deal.

Truth: I am called to be diligently pursuing God. The greatest way to rid falsehood is to cover my heart, mind, and soul with his word which is Truth.

Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Lie:Maybe I shouldn't have given God control. I bet this could have worked this out much better if I had taken over.

Truth: God has greater plans than I ever could fulfill for myself. (Romans 8:28) He has the whole puzzle pieced together, yet I can only see a fraction of the image. I do not understand God's timing. The reason why He has placed me where I am. Or why he has taken away things I held so dearly.

I do know this - God's ways and thoughts are greater than mine and while at this time, it does not make sense, it is not my job to find the answer.

Isaiah 55:8-9 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I must trust that God has something far greater than I could ever obtain myself. Even now, I am moved to tears- filled with hope, resisting temptations to form a callused heart, and trying to meet God where I am at - beautifully broken.

God- Help me to search for your Truth and be on guard for the lies that creep into my mind.

Mad Dash Out to the School Bus

Passing time in middle school = 4 minutes of chaos!

I have a love/hate relationship with the passing time in the hallways. On one hand, the noises they make and the commotion caused is tremendously overwhelming. But there is also a part of me that loves watching their interactions and ease dropping on 12 year-old drama.

After my last hour of the day, I head out to help the kids get to the bus. I looked down the hallway and saw one of the teachers standing with her shoulders shrugged, laughing at a student who was laying on the ground with his classmates pouring out on both sides of him. I was intrigued, so I walked against the current (I honestly felt like a salmon swimming up stream.)

The young man, who I will endearingly call "Flicker" (you can ask me how he got that nickname), was giggling himself. Children who have autism are incredibly factual. There is no grey matter, it is all black and white. This child has autism and I was interested to see what happened from his perspective. When I asked my coworker what happened he screamed:

"I ran into them... and then I bounced off of them.. and fell onto the floor!!!!"

This young man had ran directly into his teachers chest or and then projected it loudly down the hallway, with every sixth grader in the school walking past!!!

Resurrected Blog

"You really need to update your blog!"

My friend reminded me of this while sitting down at one of the restaurants I have wanted to try in my neighborhood. With the hustle and bustle of the start of the school year, I seemed to have lost track of my virtual tell - all (or more appropriately "tell-some"). Most of my writings have been going into my hand written journal these past few months due to their personal nature.

Updates from my life thus far:

September has come and gone, the newness of school is no more, time to get down to business. The kids have great personalities and I love my job! I leave my place every morning thinking how bored I would be if I didn't do what I am do for a living.

New Engage Group - I joined a group that is based off of a specific subject matter, rather than demographic. It will be interesting to see what is to come of this group. I was so greatly blessed with a fantastic meal group last year and the dynamics are very different in this new group. With that said, there are many great insights that God has revealed through this new group and I look forward to seeing what I will learn.

St. Paul - I love living in this city! There are so many new places that I am discovering and taking miniature adventures to see! My heart leaps when I get off of the freeway exit and I stare onto the skyline of downtown St. Paul. Sometimes, when it is cool and crisp and the moon is high overhead, I get into my car, roll down the windows, and drive through the barren streets of the Lower-town business district. I have yet to put into words how I feel God in this place, but I do and it lifts my spirit.

How life looks - As of late, I am wrestling spiritually with a lot of recognizing and accepting God's ordained will of my life. This is not to say that I am unthankful for my present circumstances, but I am coming to realize that what I had anticipated my life to be like at this point, is greatly different than where I currently am. Many areas of my life are much better than I had ever anticipated but the Gift is not wrapped the way I thought it would be.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. - Colossians 3:1-4

Difference a Year Makes

In the scheme of things 365 days seems like nothin'!

Last night as I was laying in bed, wide awake mind you at 11:30 (when I intended to be sleeping by 1o:00) I began thinking about where I was at the very moment last year. I thanked God for his:

provisions

- And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phillipians 4:19)

guidance

- In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:6)

As well as the burdens that he carried for me on days when I had no strength to stand.

- Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:30)

I believe strongly that God brings people into your life for a reason. Sometimes for you, sometimes for them, and sometimes for everyone involved. It is very easy to let these chance exchanges and fleeting relations pass by as coincidence. Last night I had a great reminder of God's progress from an exact year ago.

[Preface - I tried to write this story down in a not-so-copy paste matter and it got lengthy. If you care nothing about slightly awkward conversations/scenarios... close the browser now.]

I was sending a text to some of my friends who were teachers wishing them a good first day. I received a text back from from my friend "Kayla" (who I really thought was Kayla at the time) stating:

"I am not in school anymore but thanks. I have no contacts anymore cuz I got a new phone. Who is this?"

I initially assumed there was a slight miscommunication and that when I replied with my name, the matter would be cleared up.

When I replied "This is Kaycee" and received a "Kaycee Who?" back, I began to question who I was talking to... not for long.

The texter then informed me who HE was and that I had the wrong number. This is the same guy who AN EXACT YEAR AGO, I had met and learned a lot about God's divine plan for my life through him. (Like even if he is "Freakin' perfect"... he is not perfect FOR YOU.) Without going into the nitty gritty details of my dating life I can confirm that this man was not "freakin' perfect - he liked the Yankees. (Should have known right there that it never would have worked out).

Last night I prayed that God would remind me of how far we have come together and he showed me instantly! (Okay, well about 4 minutes or so...) I pray that you may ask of God and experience, God willing, his immediate answer.