Any teacher will tell you that it is actually much easier to show up to school sick and teach then it is to ever get a sub. However, this week was one where I just had to let go. I knew that my students would receive a higher quality education from someone who could actually recall basic information, like which drawer has the socks in it (for justification, I still struggle with that one now and then with a clear, healthy, non-boiling brain).
Needless to say, I was a mess. During that time, I had a fantastic substitute teacher! Her name is Sherry. Not only did she know the requests that I had and the standards I uphold, she knew my students and their intricacies. Sherry knew the system and to be honest, has been around the block longer than I have been breathing!
Being the control freak that I am (admitting the problem - is it the first or second step... I can never remember...;) I am very nervous to let someone else run my classroom. The hardest of all the days was when I tried to show up for work and they sent me back home. (Apparently you aren't a very good chaperone if you are sleeping with your head out of the window on the bus on your way to the field trip... go figure). I really thought that I could tough it out and work. Instead I was sent back home to rest.
Here is the issue. The equation below explains:
Resting = Immense Challenge for Kaycee
(For you mathgeeks, bear with me, Okay I wouldn't really consider it an equation either.)
I felt like I had enough capabilities to go in there and get the job done. Sure, it wouldn't have been stellar, but it would have worked the way I had planned and there would be no questions since I was the one doing it all. But the kids would have gotten a half-rate lesson and someone could have potentially burnt the room down - I would have been too enthralled with my internal temperature to notice the increasing heat and developing smoke in the room! Given the state I was in, it would have been average, and those kids deserve great!
So I went to my parents house where my mom watched me like a hawk. Mama Bear was sure that I didn't check my email, make phone calls, or do lesson plans. She wouldn't let me get off the couch. For that I am thankful. I will be stronger and healthier sooner than I would have been otherwise. The immediate gratification of "getting work done" (because we all know how little would have really gotten done) would have cost much more in the long term category.
Here's the part where I attempt to get all philosophical and what not:
Major aspects of my life are at the "Rest" stage. While I trust that God has a plan greater then I could conjure up on my own (Ephesians 3:20), I still get fidgety... antsy... restless. Even if I am ill-suited, insert laughter at the poorly used pun, I still want to get off the couch!
As difficult as it is to be still (be on the couch), it will be worth it. Even now, when I cry out to God in frustration - trust me, the people driving along side of me on I-94 can attest to it. - my soul finds rest yet again.
The couch is not a place where I want to stay, but for time being, it is where I am supposed to be. Being still, building up strength, getting ready for the great things ahead of me... even when I can't see them right now.
"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble;
And He knows those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7
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