Humility and the Holidays

This time of the year gets super busy. I could ramble on about all the deadlines and things to complete, but you have a list of your own and reading mine will not be a pressing matter to you. But I would like to take the time to share this with you.

I received a text message from a friend yesterday that said: " Thought of you this a.m. while reading Gal. 6:9 and 2 Thes. 3:13. Have a blessed day and rest in Him. :-)." Frankly I was stressed to the max and felt nauseous from my previous night's socialization and lack of sleep. Looking up those verses was a priority that was going to have to wait in order to get things done.

This morning I had a chance to read into the verses. They read:

Galations 6:9 - "Let us not become weary of doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

2 Thesselanians 3:13 - "And as for you brothers, never tire of doing what is right."

What a combination of conviction and relief to read it. I had an awful past few days getting all sorts of stuff done and had hung out with my friends from work on Thursday night. While I didn't do anything that was considered "wrong", I still was bothered by it. Just went out to dinner and then drinks back home.

After journaling and reading scripture, I was hit with the question of "what is considered right in God's eyes?" I had shared my testimony earlier in the week about how I had a fairly legalistic approach to religion in high school and I think that the really allowed for some questioning and testing to occur.

To be honest, I am really glad that I was stirred and distraught over it, because I could sense the pull from the source of love and freedom I find in my relationship with Jesus Christ. "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ... This is my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. ( John 15:5 and 8)" I was sitting by the vine, but nothing I was doing made it evident that I was receiving the glories riches of the branch.

What is good and what is not good can be very blurred through human justification. In Romans 14, Paul writes about giving an account of oneself to God. (vs. 12) In my own personal faith, I have come to the conclusion that regardless of what it is that I am doing, I need to conduct myself in a way that I can bring Glory to my Father. On Thursday, I didn't slander God, intentionally distort the image of God, use his name in vain (or consciously break any of the other ten commandments), but I also didn't proclaim his goodness!!

I am greatly humbled, but also relieved that regardless of my failures, God's love for me in enduring. In fact, I opened my Bible and and the first portion I turn to is Hosea. A story of a man who whole heartedly pursues the Lord and is called by God to marry a prostitute, just so that we can be reminded of God's persistent pursuit of his habitually fleeting children! How much more failure engulfed, grace ensued scripture can you get!?

I am a sinner, a repeat offender. Yet, I have been purchased for a cost and saved. God gave up his own Son, so I can find my freedom and reassurance in Him. I am eternally grateful.

Good Friday

On my days off, I love to do devotionals for an extended period of time. However, I often find myself reading the Bible as if it was a textbook, rather than fully immersing myself into it's human attributes and emotions. Today was not one of those "cram for a pop quiz" reading sessions.

I started reading from the book of Mark this morning, but felt compelled to turn to Luke instead. Boy Oh Boy, does the Holy Spirit know how to intercede!

Starting point - Luke 22:7. Ending point - Luke 23:56.

I get choked up when I think of the crucifixion, but it usually happens when I have other external factors prompting me. Today, this did not occur... today, I wept. There was no music… no slide shows… no skits... no video clips... no sermon. Just Jesus.

Jesus knows my sufferings because he suffered them as well.

My stomach churned as I read about how Jesus was betrayed. What desperation he felt when asking His Father if there was any other way that he could be spared.

The loneliness and abandonment he felt when his friends went with him to pray and while he was in anguish, they feel asleep on him.

What injustice he must have felt when Pilate, who tried to do the right thing, but let his political and professional endeavors override, allowed Barabbas to go free and not a single person stood up in his defense.

The entire world turned their backs while He saved them.

God, Continue to remind me how you know me. How you love me. How you saved me. Holy Spirit, speak on my behalf in gratitude and adoration when my words cannot adequately give You praise.

Sent Home from School... On The Couch

I have been sick for the past 4 days. By sick - I mean... call a sub... throw together some last minute lesson plans... try to break a 101 degree temperature... try to come back to school and they send you back home - sort of sick. I actually pride myself on working through most illnesses (you can blame that on my father. The man has taken four sick days in his entire teaching career!! Guess I can find other things to try to beat him at. :))

Any teacher will tell you that it is actually much easier to show up to school sick and teach then it is to ever get a sub. However, this week was one where I just had to let go. I knew that my students would receive a higher quality education from someone who could actually recall basic information, like which drawer has the socks in it (for justification, I still struggle with that one now and then with a clear, healthy, non-boiling brain).

Needless to say, I was a mess. During that time, I had a fantastic substitute teacher! Her name is Sherry. Not only did she know the requests that I had and the standards I uphold, she knew my students and their intricacies. Sherry knew the system and to be honest, has been around the block longer than I have been breathing!

Being the control freak that I am (admitting the problem - is it the first or second step... I can never remember...;) I am very nervous to let someone else run my classroom. The hardest of all the days was when I tried to show up for work and they sent me back home. (Apparently you aren't a very good chaperone if you are sleeping with your head out of the window on the bus on your way to the field trip... go figure). I really thought that I could tough it out and work. Instead I was sent back home to rest.

Here is the issue. The equation below explains:

Resting = Immense Challenge for Kaycee

(For you mathgeeks, bear with me, Okay I wouldn't really consider it an equation either.)

I felt like I had enough capabilities to go in there and get the job done. Sure, it wouldn't have been stellar, but it would have worked the way I had planned and there would be no questions since I was the one doing it all. But the kids would have gotten a half-rate lesson and someone could have potentially burnt the room down - I would have been too enthralled with my internal temperature to notice the increasing heat and developing smoke in the room! Given the state I was in, it would have been average, and those kids deserve great!

So I went to my parents house where my mom watched me like a hawk. Mama Bear was sure that I didn't check my email, make phone calls, or do lesson plans. She wouldn't let me get off the couch. For that I am thankful. I will be stronger and healthier sooner than I would have been otherwise. The immediate gratification of "getting work done" (because we all know how little would have really gotten done) would have cost much more in the long term category.

Here's the part where I attempt to get all philosophical and what not:

Major aspects of my life are at the "Rest" stage. While I trust that God has a plan greater then I could conjure up on my own (Ephesians 3:20), I still get fidgety... antsy... restless. Even if I am ill-suited, insert laughter at the poorly used pun, I still want to get off the couch!

As difficult as it is to be still (be on the couch), it will be worth it. Even now, when I cry out to God in frustration - trust me, the people driving along side of me on I-94 can attest to it. - my soul finds rest yet again.

The couch is not a place where I want to stay, but for time being, it is where I am supposed to be. Being still, building up strength, getting ready for the great things ahead of me... even when I can't see them right now.

"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble;

And He knows those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7